Plans are nice and necessary, but, as you all know, they don’t always work as you… well… planned. When we pray, we don’t always get the answer we want, but are we willing to accept the answer we’re given?

In 1998 Kristi and I started making plans to move to Dresden, Germany to work with and help the church of Christ (Gemeinde Christi) here grow, and to spread the good news of Jesus to the people of Dresden. We wanted to move in 2000 with our friends the Stoltes and the Carrolls, but that didn’t work out. The Stoltes were able to move in 2000 after all, and the Carrolls followed in 2001. In the meantime, we worked, had a baby, moved from Oklahoma to Colorado, and _finally_ made it to Dresden in July of 2005. What a relief!! We were finally here!! And, you know what, looking back on things, God knew what he was doing. We got here RIGHT when we should have, both for us and for the church here. If OUR plans had worked out, it could have been disaster.

When we arrived in Dresden 3 1/2 years ago, Kristi and I honestly didn’t have any specific plans to move back to the USA. 8 years of our life were spent ramping up to this move and this is exactly where we wanted to be – and, we were certain, where God wanted us to be. We also made the decision early on in the process not to set a “commitment” time for our work with the church here. We did this for multiple reasons, but mostly that, in our situation, we didn’t want to feel like we were squeezing God’s timeline into ours. (Please don’t misunderstand – setting a commitment is totally fine, I have no problem with that in any way – it just wasn’t for us). We got a lot of questions about “When are you moving back to the States?”, to which we would answer, “We don’t know – whenever God wants us to.”

Over the next few years things didn’t progress as… well… “planned”, but we were happy here. We were getting a really good handle on the language, we had another great kid, we’d made good friends, and Dresden had definitely become “home” to us. There are always stresses when you’re living in a foreign land, sure, but we were dealing with them and taking them in stride. Well, Kristi and I were, at least. We’ve shared with many of you that Hannah had a much harder time adjusting to life in Germany than we’d ever expected. She made it through – hopefully not permanently scarred – but had never really “clicked” with life here.

Well, since September, our biggest area of stress and concern has been just that: Hannah. We have been struggling a great deal with the school system here in Dresden since she began 1st grade at the end of September (Kindergarten is not considered school here), and we’ve unfortunately reached a breaking point.  And it’s partly because of this (detailed in the following story), that we’ve decided to move back to the USA. If you want to know the whole sordid tale, read through whole story below as it will help you understand how and why we came to the decision.

Here’s the story in a nutshell (sorry, but it’s a big nutshell):

The second week of school, Hannah’s teacher called us in for a parent-teacher meeting.  We thought it odd, so soon in the year, but we went not knowing what to expect.  She told us in the meeting that Hannah is sweet and kind, but has serious problems during class time.  She won’t sit still, bothers other kids, walks around the room, and is generally disruptive.  We weren’t terribly surprised, since we had told the teacher before school started that Hannah was already reading (in English) on at least a 3rd grade level, and we were concerned with boredom. But at this meeting the teacher dismissed that out of hand, stating that Hannah couldn’t read (despite the evidence) and most likely had ADHD.  She pressured us in this meeting (and other times afterward) to take Hannah to the pediatrician and get a prescription for some sort of medication to calm her down.  We tried to tell the teacher that ADHD wasn’t the issue, but she was so certain that it would help Hannah, that she wanted us to promise her we’d get Hannah medicated.  We refused to do make that promise, and instead started asking around for other options.  

A couple weeks later, we had another meeting with the teacher which was, frankly, horrible.  She emphasized once again all of the problems Hannah had, and pushed once again for medication.  She also described how she was worried that Hannah didn’t have any friends, and that she herself had attempted to help Hannah with that problem. “How did you do that?” I asked.  Well, she explained, one day before recess she brought Hannah before the class and explained to everyone that Hannah was very sad, and was completely unable to make friends on her own, and would anyone be willing to try to be friends with the poor girl (as though this was going to HELP Hannah??).  Then the teacher was amazed that the 2 girls who volunteered didn’t stay Hannah’s friend after that day.  Even writing this a month later I still can’t believe it.  There are so many problems with how the teacher handled that it’s not even funny.

Certain that Hannah was being under-challenged (and just plain bored) in class, we found that, in order to work within the school system, the only way to get the teacher to do anything at all was to take Hannah to a psychologist and have her tested and get an official statement that Hannah did NOT have ADHD.  So at the beginning of October, we found a very highly respected psychologist who helped establish the “German Society for Highly Gifted Children” to give the tests.  The test results came back a week later showing that, as we assumed, Hannah did NOT have ADHD, but rather was extremely intelligent – more than we realized.  She tested with an average IQ of about 130, and in some areas as high as 145 (and that’s with taking the tests in German).  The poor kid was bored out of her mind in class, where the kids were learning one letter of the alphabet per WEEK and one number per week!

Okay, great. My kid’s smart. But there were other issues. Aside from being under-challenged, Hannah was not making any friends at all, only played by herself, and her behavior at home was becoming atrocious.  She wasn’t sleeping well, had huge dark circles under her eyes, and started to constantly say things like, “I’m not any good at that”, “I’m a really bad kid”, “I’m a bad daughter”, and “I’m not good at anything.” There was something going on here.

We had found a lot of information on gifted kids on the internet (like this site and this article), and many lists which outline the struggles that these kids have both socially and academically – Hannah matched every point on every single list. We knew this was part of the issue, but the psychologist was also certain that at least 1/3 (if not more) of her social & classroom problems were due to intercultural miscommunication on some level.  She explained that american kids simply play and interact differently than german kids (she’d had experience with both).  For example, during the testing, when they took a 5 minute break, Hannah stood up and said to the psychologist, “Okay – then I’m going to go across the hall to see my daddy. Please come tell me when time’s up.”  The psychologist explained that a German kid would NEVER be that independent.  They would instead say, “Could I please maybe go see my Daddy during the break?” and wait for permission to do so, or more likely, just sit and wait to be told what to do.  Might sound like a small difference, but you add up enough of that kind of behavior, and more examples I don’t have space for, and you have a kid who misunderstands everyone around her, and is herself very misunderstood by everyone around her.

Well, after hearing that story about “who wants to be the poor girl’s friend”, we were certain that the teacher was not exactly being kind to Hannah, and I had witnessed the teacher being extremely mean and heartless to other kids in the school.  Then, shortly before bringing the test results to the current teacher, I came to pick up Hannah a little early from school for some reason, and waited outside the classroom door until they were finished.  The teacher had seen me and knew I was outside, and after a few minutes came out and asked me to come in because she wanted me to “see something”.  I came inside the room to find that Hannah had just finished having a scuffle with a boy in her class, and the teacher stood in front of the class and quieted everyone down.  Then she said, “Children, today was a wonderful day with our field trip to the farm, but sadly, it ended in tears and fighting.  And I STILL don’t know who’s fault it was.”  Immediately, every kid in the room pointed at Hannah, and Hannah screamed, “It was NOT my fault!!”  Once again, the teacher calmed them down and said, “I don’t know who’s fault it was, but we’re going to find out together.” [WHAT!? I thought] “Erich – please tell the class who started the fight and what happened.”  Erich proceeded to tell his story of injustice and woe at the hands of my daughter, to which Hannah screamed, “That’s not TRUE! I did NOT!!” etc etc. 

After they calmed down again, I expected it to be Hannah’s turn to explain, but no.  The teacher proceeded, “Oh how sad.  Well, children, we all know that Hannah has many, many problems.  We know that Hannah can’t concentrate in class, that she can’t behave like everyone else, that she can’t make friends, and that she just doesn’t know how she ought to behave.  So, children, it’s our job together to teach Hannah how she ought to be.  We all need to work together on Hannah.  If you see Hannah doing something wrong, you need to make it clear to her what is right, and all work TOGETHER to make Hannah fit in.”  (why didn’t she just paint a target on my daughter’s forehead?)

My blood was absolutely boiling at this point.  Once again, so many things wrong with this, it’s not even funny.  The teacher continued talking, but my ears shut off.  I walked over to Hannah, who looked on the verge of crying, took her hand, and said quietly, “Let’s go, honey.”  I led her out of the room, and all the while the teacher was trying to tell me something.  I stuck my head back in the door and said calmly, “My daughter doesn’t need to hear this”, and we left.  Needless to say, Hannah didn’t go back to that school again.  I made an appointment with the principal the next day, wrote this all down for her to read and (hopefully) keep on file.  The principal didn’t seem in the least surprised by the actions of the teacher, and was simply sorry to hear that I was unhappy and that Hannah wouldn’t be coming to school there anymore (there wasn’t space in any other class anyway).  I emphasized to her that a teacher should NEVER treat a child that way, and something should be done about it, but she just smiled and nodded a little bit.  Frustrating.

So – time to find a new school for Hannah.  The psychologist gave us a list of schools who were “smart-kid friendly”, and we proceeded to look.  The problem was, these were all very good schools and they were all either full, or cost 400€-1000€ ($500-$1250) per month.  We finally found a highly recommended school on the other side of town who might have spot (they were only 100€/month).  They explained that one teacher technically had room for 2 students, but that she also had 2 retarded children and 2 physically disabled kids, all of which took a LOT more time and effort.  Therefore, she wanted to give Hannah a 1-week tryout period to see if she could handle another kid with “special needs” in her class.  We were very excited, and we loved the teacher’s attitude, the way the school was set up, and the way Hannah seemed to get along with the kids.  The trial week went well, or so we thought.  On Friday, I met with the teacher at the end of the day, and she explained to me, with a pained look on her face, that she was so sorry, but she couldn’t accept Hannah into her class.  I was, naturally, devastated. But after talking it through with the teacher, I understood where she was coming from.  It was nothing against Hannah, but she is already maxed out with kids, and one more that needs special attention would be at the expense of the others in the class.  I didn’t push the issue much, but she offered 2 more days the next week to try out again, but that we should really “keep looking” for another school.  We initially took her offer, but we knew it was a false compromise, and that we should just move on.

That was Friday, November 7.  Over that weekend, there were a lot of prayers, thoughts, discussions, and tears in our household.  What were we going to do?  We had some tough decisions to make, and some painful realizations to come to.  Among those realizations was that our daughter is simply not doing well here in Germany.  That’s nothing against Germany, it’s just how it is.  Since we moved to Dresden, we felt as though Hannah was the round peg we kept trying to push into the square hole that is Germany.  She speaks German like a native, but doesn’t like to speak it, and struggles with common phrases and colloquialisms – constantly frustrating her in school and at play.  She’s had time to learn, but she would just rather speak English if at all possible, and just isn’t interested in learning more.  (In the car a couple of months ago, she  asked me if we lived in America, would her teacher and friends speak English to her.  When I said yes, her face lit up, and she just smiled and looked out the window.)  She still has no friends she really clicks with, except the daughter of our fellow american co-workers.  And on top of it all, school is just not working out.  We’re not worried about her learning, that’s not the problem.  But we are worried about her socially and emotionally.  We can serve God anywhere we are, but our daughter only has one childhood, and these are very formative years in her life.  Her self esteem was destroyed enough by the horrible teacher she had, and we don’t want to gamble with her emotions and development any more.

We also took in to account the fact that, in many ways, it seemed as though God was trying to give us a hint that it was time to move back to the USA, and this was more or less the last straw that tipped the scales in that direction.  I love the work here (even with its frustrations), and I still fully believe that it’s only at the beginning of something big, but at the end of the day, it’s still a job I have for a while, and my job is not more important than my daughter’s well-being.  I believe we could do good things for the Lord in Dresden, but I am also not so proud as to think the success of an entire congregation depends upon me personally.  

It breaks my heart more than you could understand to make the decision to come back to the USA at this time.  Kristi and I planned for a long time to come to Dresden, and in a lot of ways I feel that our time is being prematurely cut short.  However, I thought my mother had a good point when she said that if God had planned upon us being in Dresden forever, he wouldn’t have given us Hannah.  I guess she’s kind of like our canary in the mine shaft – she’s not the only reason to move back, but she is what made the final decision.  I didn’t achieve what I originally planned upon moving here, but I know that I had an impact on the congregation and on many people here, and I trust God that I have fulfilled his purpose for us in Dresden, and that He now wishes that I fulfill a purpose elsewhere.  Perhaps someday, we can return.

So there you have it.  We have talked it over and prayed a lot, and think that we should move back the sooner the better.  Hannah is right now not going to school at all, and she needs to get in school as soon as she can.  Kristi is going to do home school in the meantime, but since homeschooling is illegal in Germany (for periods longer than 2 years) we have very limited resources.  There are also a LOT of logistics with an international move, and we had to give 3-month’s notice for our apartment.  Therefore, we’ll be moving back at the end of January 2009 (the 26th, to be exact) so Hannah can start school at the beginning of February.  I have spoken with my parents and, to make things easier on our transition back, they have graciously offered to let us stay with them for some time until we get re-situated in America and until I find a job. This also means, ironically, that my daughter will be going to the same elementary school I went to as a child. Great school then, and apparently it still is. Kristi has already been in contact with the principal and the 1st grade teachers there in an effort to make the transition easier on all those involved. The principal has already made it very clear that there is nothing about the situation or our daughter that they can’t work with, and that they’ll do anything they can to help Hannah. That’s music to our ears.

I know that not everyone will agree with this, and that some may be pretty upset about it. But before anybody tries to change our minds we want to say that we know that there are a million other possibilities, as well as many reasons to stay. There are things we could have done differently. Things we could have tried. Maybe there’s still a school out there somewhere in Dresden. Trust me – we’ve had all of those thoughts as well. This is NOT a decision we made lightly. This has cost us a lot of heartache and pain, but there is no question in our minds that we are doing the right thing. We came to Dresden for as long as God wanted us here, and that time is apparently up. It’s time for the next step. It’s not my plan – it’s God’s – and I’m going to do my best to do what’s right.

Thanks for your prayers and love for us throughout all of this.  We truly thank God for you. Please keep praying for us, for the move, for the church in Dresden, for the relationships we’ll be leaving behind, and for our wonderful daughter. And be thankful every day that God has a plan for each of us – and pray that we can all keep our eyes open to see what that plan is.